Wednesday, September 14, 2011

' don't look that big".

That is probably the hardest thing to hear when people find out my weight. I only tell close family and friends, but that's the one thing I keep hearing. I'm sure they mean it as a compliment, but that doesn't soften the blow. I don't feel like I weight 360 lbs, but I do. It's kind of hard to accept your body when you don't feel like it's yours. I can't give an exact weight, but I just feel...smaller.

I feel smaller, but I am definitely not in denial every time I look in the mirror. I recently starting wearing makeup again to boost my self esteem. I keep wearing it, but I feel like I look like a clown. I want to be able to look at myself and feel good about what I see. And then we come back to food. Food doesn't care about how I look. It doesn't feel at all. It's just food. This might be stupid, but I am optimistic that one day I won't need food to cope, or I can get to the point where I don't succumb to every craving.

And I know that will be the happiest time of my life.

1 comment:

  1. I know you will get through this. Have you thought about seeing a dietitian about your eating? I am considering about this, but it is kind of holding me back because I am not really sure if it is something I am ready for and I'm afraid I'll end up with a horror story dietitian.

    I can really relate about wearing make-up and better looking clothes. I try and I feel like I am a fake because I don't quite feel confident. But it is a day at time thing, and I am slowly getting better about how I perceive myself while wearing make-up and nicer clothes.

    You will get through this, I promise.