Monday, October 10, 2011

Big Girl, you (and I) are beautiful

I've been doing a lot of thinking for the past few days. Am I happy with my size? Not at all. Do I wish I could just trade in my body for the one I want? Without a doubt. But...I don't have that option. All I can do is improve the one I have. I can whine and be depressed about it, or I can accept it (and myself) as it's transforming.

I'm not a monster. I'm a young, energetic, funny, charming and sensual woman. Why should I be ashamed of myself just because I'm not a size 2? That's a load of crap. This was the body I was given, and damn it I should love it like the body I want. Will I feel like this every day? No. But if I just make the effort to tell myself that I'm beautiful and worth just as much as someone smaller, well that's half the battle.

I'm big...but I'm still beautiful.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

One pill makes you...have a baby?

Sorry I missed a week, folks. I ended up back in the emergency room. I'm on an inhaler because my lungs just weren't taking in air. That's not really because of my weight, thankfully. But...I went to an OB/GYN yesterday. Let me give you a little bit of my "womanly" history. I've always been irregular. I just chalked that up to my weight. However for one year, I was regular with no problems. That's when I was at my smallest weight.

Cut to yesterday, where I found out I might have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). All that means is I could have an imbalance of sex hormones and cysts on my ovaries. The doctor did say that's not the definite cause of everything, and it could just be my weight. But right now I'm waiting to test for PCOS. I had to schedule and ultrasound for it. I can't go to the office closest to me because I'm too fat for their table. I have to drive 40-45 minutes to a place that can fit me.

But that is another story. I've also been put on Provera (progesterone). That is basically the hormone that I'm not producing. And I have to take it for a year. On top of that, I have to lose 40-50 lbs to be considered healthy enough to have a baby. I'm not going to lie...I'm frustrated, embarrassed, depressed and probably any other negative emotion you can think of.

Here I am, wanting a child so badly that I would kill for one. I have to wait another year or possibly longer before that can happen. Even then it's not a guarantee. And yet...there are millions of women who don't want kids or just don't take precautions, and bam: pregnant. I'm not gonna say woe is me. I guess...I'm not too sure how to cope with it.